“Sometimes the loudest cry of ‘victim’ comes from the person causing the pain.”
One of the most confusing behaviors in emotionally abusive relationships is watching the person who caused the hurt convince others that they were the one who suffered the most.
People with strong narcissistic traits often struggle to accept responsibility for the damage their actions cause. Instead, they may rewrite history in a way that casts themselves as the misunderstood victim while portraying the other person as the abuser.
To those on the outside, the story can sound convincing. After all, most compassionate people naturally want to comfort someone who appears to be hurting. That is exactly what makes this pattern so effective.
Rewriting the Story
Over the years, I’ve witnessed this behavior more than once. One of Blend’s ex’s described to me the circumstances in our relationship, where Blend completely reversed our history. According to his version of events, I was the one who lied. I was the one who cheated. I was the one who destroyed the marriage. None of it was true.
What made it especially painful wasn’t simply hearing those accusations. It was watching him use those stories to gain sympathy, particularly from new women entering his life. By presenting himself as the wounded party, he found people willing to rescue him before they ever questioned whether his version of events reflected reality.
I’ve seen similar patterns in other families as well. The details were different, but the strategy remained the same. False allegations, exaggerated fears, and carefully crafted stories were used to separate children from loving parents. Court orders were ignored, relationships were damaged, and children were often caught in the middle.
In nearly every case, the greatest victims weren’t the adults. They were the children.
Why This Happens
People who consistently portray themselves as victims often gain something from doing so.
They may receive:
- Sympathy and emotional support.
- Validation from friends and family.
- Attention from new romantic partners.
- Protection from accountability.
- Control over how others perceive the situation.
If everyone believes they were the victim, very few people stop to ask difficult questions.
The Children Pay
the Highest Price
Perhaps the greatest tragedy occurs when children become part of the story. When one parent repeatedly tells a child that the other parent doesn’t love them, abandoned them, or is dangerous without evidence, the child is placed in an impossible position. Children should never be asked to choose between their parents. They deserve the opportunity to form their own relationships and their own opinions based on experience—not manipulation.
Unfortunately, years of emotional conditioning can permanently alter those relationships. Many children don’t discover the truth until adulthood. Sadly, some never do.
Healthy People Don’t Need to Destroy Someone Else’s Reputation
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that emotionally healthy people don’t need to convince the world that they’re innocent by making someone else look guilty. They allow their character to speak for itself. When relationships end, there are usually two sides to every story. But when one person insists they were perfect and the other person was entirely to blame, it is worth paying attention. Life is rarely that simple.
Reflection
Looking back, I’ve learned that the loudest story isn’t always the truest one. When someone continually needs everyone else to see them as the victim, I no longer ask, “Who is telling the most emotional story?” Instead, I ask, “Who consistently accepts responsibility for their own actions?” That single question has helped me recognize the difference between genuine pain and carefully crafted manipulation. Because healing doesn’t begin when we win the sympathy of others. Healing begins when we have the courage to tell the truth—even when it doesn’t make us look perfect.
Until next time… Remember…While betrayal leaves scars, love leaves a legacy.
— Liza Seamone