Day: October 29, 2011

Looking Back . . . I Should Have Known

A woman standing on the sand, with beautiful blue skies, and looking back at what could have been.

Occasionally, the warning signs are visible early, but we only recognize them years later.

Early Signs I Didn’t Fully Understand

When I look back at the early years of my relationship with Blend, I sometimes wonder how much our twelve-year age difference influenced the dynamic between us. At the time, it didn’t feel significant. But with hindsight, I can see that it may have played a role in how our relationship developed—especially considering the struggles he was already facing with addiction and emotional maturity.

A remark made by the minister on our wedding day has remained with me throughout all these years. He joked that Blend was moving “from his mother’s apron strings to his wife’s.” At the time, everyone laughed, and some of his family was angry. Looking back, the remark was more accurate than I realized.

Growing Up Without Structure

Blend’s childhood had been unusual in certain ways. His father left his mother when he was too young to understand. She raised 4 young boys on her own. When the three were gone, and Blend was alone with her, she often worked evenings and left him alone in the house during his important teenage years, when structure and authority are crucial. By the time he reached 15 years, he had become accustomed to managing his time without much supervision. What might have seemed like independence also meant something else: he grew used to living without boundaries or accountability.

By the time we began our relationship, he was already very comfortable spending long stretches of time alone and doing exactly as he pleased. At first, I interpreted that independence as maturity. Later, I realized it sometimes meant something entirely unique.

A Moment That Stayed With Me

During the early part of our relationship, I occasionally stayed overnight at Blend’s home. One evening, I had forgotten something and returned unexpectedly after leaving.

What I walked into was a private moment that left me stunned and confused. There was nothing inherently wrong about the behavior itself—many things that happen in private relationships are normal. But the timing, the context, and the sense of distance it revealed between us left me unsettled.

At the time, I didn’t fully understand why it bothered me so much. But the feeling stayed with me. It created a quiet question in the back of my mind about the role intimacy and addiction might already be playing in our relationship.

Understanding It Years Later

Only years later did I begin to understand that moment differently. What I had witnessed was not about my value or desirability. It was a glimpse into a deeper pattern of compulsive behavior that would eventually affect many aspects of our lives. Addiction has a way of reshaping priorities and relationships in subtle ways long before the larger consequences become visible. At the time, I didn’t have the language or the experience to recognize what I was seeing, but it felt demeaning to me and stayed with me forever.

A Role I Never Expected

As our relationship continued, I also began noticing another dynamic emerging. Instead of feeling like equal partners, I often felt like I had taken on a parental or supervisory role—something I had never intended or wanted. Most people hope for a relationship built on mutual responsibility, trust, and emotional balance. Ours increasingly felt unbalanced. And yet, like many people in complicated relationships, I continued hoping that things would improve.

What Reflection Teaches

Looking back now, I can see that some of the warning signs appeared very early. But recognizing patterns often requires time, distance, and experience. When we care deeply about someone, it is easy to overlook behaviors that later become impossible to ignore. Reflection has the ability to unveil hidden truths. And occasionally the phrase “I should have known” is less about blame and more about understanding how our perspective grows with time.

Reflection

Hindsight can be both painful and enlightening. The moments that once seemed confusing or insignificant often become clearer when viewed through the lens of experience. Recognizing those early signals can help us understand our past—and make wiser decisions about our future.

Starting Off With A Warning

Yellow double line in the center of a road, with dense fog ahead. A symbol of starting off a relationship, noticing issues, but continuing on anyway.

This was the very first post I wrote when I began this blog.

Looking back now, I realize that even then, I was already asking myself the same question that would follow me for years:

How many times have I said, “I should have known”?

With hindsight, the warning signs often seem obvious. At the time, however, they can be easy to dismiss, especially when they arrive wrapped in charm and attention. To tell this story, I’ll use the name Blend. It’s not his real name, but it feels appropriate. Besides a counselor descibing that the Narcissist spouse often marries and starts a family because it gives them the aura of being normal, a normal man or woman with a normal family. Kind of like a wolf in sheeps clothing. He seemed to be a blend of many things—a family man, with charisma, humor, persistence, and a darker side I wouldn’t fully understand until much later.

How It Began

I met Blend the night before Thanksgiving.

At the time, I was helping out at a comedy club in the evenings. It was a lively place filled with laughter, music, and people enjoying a night out. Blend walked in with a confident presence and an easy smile. We talked briefly, laughed a little, and before the night ended, he asked for my phone number.

It seemed like a harmless moment.

But later I would learn that his interest in me had begun earlier than I realized. For some time, he had been quietly observing my routine and watching from a distance.

At the time, of course, I had no idea.

The First Sign Something Was Off

The next evening, after returning home from Thanksgiving dinner with friends, I walked into my house and noticed something strange. My answering machine was filled with messages.

Not one or two. Many. They were all from Blend.

At first the messages sounded enthusiastic—persistent attempts to reach someone he had just met. But as we listened to them more carefully, the tone began to feel different. It felt excessive.

My friends and I stood there replaying them, trying to understand why someone I had only met briefly would call so many times in such a short period. One of my friends finally said something that stayed with me. “He sounds troubled.” At the time, I brushed the comment aside. But years later, I would remember that moment very clearly.

The Beginning of a Long Lesson

Over time, I would learn that what seemed like an intense interest in the beginning was actually something much more complicated. Looking back now, that night feels like the first glimpse of a pattern I would spend many years trying to understand. That’s why I began writing this blog.

Not to relive the past, but to share the warning signs that are often easiest to see after the damage has already been done. Because sometimes what looks charming in the beginning can hide something far more troubling beneath the surface. And sometimes the quiet voice saying “something isn’t right” deserves more attention than we give it.

Reflection

Hindsight has a way of illuminating the moments we once dismissed. The early signs that seem small at the time can later reveal the beginning of a much larger story.

Learning to recognize those signals may be one of the most valuable lessons we ever gain.