Navigating the Challenges of Narcissism and Sex Addiction in Families

Families disturbed by the crisis they are going through, with parents constantly in turmoil as a result of a narcissist in the family.

On October 18, 2012, I received an email from my X, upset over my blog. His message threatened to send the four people he loves most to view it. His mother, two daughters, and I have no idea who the fourth is. I am sure what Blend wanted was for me to pull the site down altogether, but thankfully, I made a different choice and put passwords on the articles and took time to think.

If directing his children, or anyone else, is what he deems necessary, then that is his choice—but I will NEVER take this site down. This site is not about him. Another trait of a sex addict is that it’s always all about them. Such as the two people over in the corner whispering…it’s about him, or when entering the parent meeting, if the other dads don’t speak to him, they don’t like him. — Never a thought that Dad could be having an off day…and whatever happened to you speaking first? — doubtful just because the couple whispering looked up, so they were looking at or talking about you.

Someday, our daughters will be fully aware of the liar and cheater that Blend is. This site or anything I could say will not make a difference. He started laying out that lesson years ago. They are smart young ladies and figure it out over time. He does and acts out enough; they are well aware of who and what he is. That will never take away from the fact that he is their dad. I would not expect nor wish for them to turn their backs on him for his illness. As I repeat this many times, narcissism and sex addiction are illnesses. Those afflicted with it should be looked upon as any other addict. With sorrow, understanding it’s an illness, and compassion for the lack of dignity and strength a sex addict has. They cannot help him, I could not help him, and no one can help him. An addict will never recover until they admit, face, and take action to recover. Things Blend has never been able to do.

As far as his mother reading this—she should. Even then, the apple does not fall far from the tree. He is like her. She has aided and abetted his illness for many years. When I went to her with his illness, at first she was concerned and called me regularly to see how he was doing. But when I finally chose to leave, she chose to turn her back on me. In essence, she turned her back on him as well. He will never stop what he does. He may alter the pattern, but until he gets professional help, he will continue.

And Mom—if your son, daughter, son-in-law, or daughter-in-law has sent you here to read this blog, they are concerned about a family member. I implore you to read with great intent. Feel the words, understand, and realize the pain. Help them to get the help for the individual they are concerned for….it cannot be done alone, and it will not go away by miracle on its own.

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Reflection

One of the most difficult moments for someone who has lived through deception and addiction is the pressure to stay silent. When the truth finally begins to surface, it can make others uncomfortable. Sometimes the person responsible for the damage will attempt to shift the focus, portray themselves as the victim, or pressure you to stop speaking about your experience.

But telling the truth about what you lived through is not an act of cruelty—it is an act of clarity.

For many people who have endured similar relationships, speaking openly becomes part of healing. It helps restore perspective after years of confusion, manipulation, and self-doubt. It also allows others who may be experiencing the same patterns to recognize that they are not alone.

Addiction and destructive behavior cannot be hidden forever, and silence does not heal families. Real healing begins only when the truth is acknowledged, and those affected are allowed to speak honestly about what they experienced.

Sometimes the most powerful step forward is simply refusing to pretend that nothing happened.

Signals of Deceit

Man in a dark room texting in secrecy, so his wife can not see what he is doing.

When a Partner Pushes You to Take Everyone With You: A Subtle Sign Something May Be Wrong

When you say you’re running errands or heading out for a walk, does your partner repeatedly suggest you take everyone in the house with you? At first, it can sound thoughtful or harmless. A simple suggestion: “Take the kids so they can get out of the house.” Or “Maybe Jane wants to go with you.”

But when it happens over and over again, it may not be about helping you. Sometimes it’s about making sure the house is empty. Over time, I learned to pay attention to this pattern.

When Someone Wants the House for Themselves

I could usually tell when Blend wanted the house completely to himself. Those were often the times he wanted privacy to get on the computer or phone and interact with other women through photos, conversations, chats, or whatever outlet he had at the time.

This past weekend, it happened again. More than once, when I mentioned running errands or going out for my neighborhood power walk, he suggested I take the girls with me. Through the years, sometimes the behavior was subtle and sometimes obvious. But it was always there. Before cell phones became common, the pattern was even easier to spot.

The Phone Line Clue

I have always had a home office. Years ago, that meant multiple phone lines—one of them dedicated to a fax machine. Before that second line existed, I would occasionally leave the house, stop at a pay phone, and call home. Strangely, the line was often busy, even though Blend rarely used the phone. The calls were always blocked or placed through calling cards, so there was no obvious record of them. At the time, detailed phone billing cost extra, and it wasn’t something I had thought to request.

Later, I learned the truth.

Eventually, I spoke with one of the women he had been calling. She told me the number he had given her to reach him. It was my fax line. He would unplug the fax machine, plug in a phone, and have the woman call him there. In his mind, this made the activity harder to detect. Before I returned home, he would simply reconnect the fax machine.

After learning this, I started checking the fax line whenever I left the house. If it was busy, I already knew why. There was no reason to ask him. The answer would always be denial.

Why Some Cheaters Never Leave

It can be difficult to understand why someone would go through this much effort just to hide cheating or sexual conversations. In many situations, the answer seems simple: they could ask for a divorce and live however they want.

But many people who live double lives do not want to leave their primary relationship. The stable partner represents normalcy. That relationship allows them to maintain the appearance of a conventional life.

In many ways, the faithful partner becomes the anchor that lets them continue their behavior while still appearing “normal” to the outside world.

Subtle Phrases to Pay Attention To

If you mention leaving the house, notice whether your partner frequently responds with suggestions like:

“Take Jane if you want company.”
“John might want to go.”
“Did you ask the kids if they want to go?”
“You’re taking the kids, right?”
“I’m going to be busy, so take them with you.”
“I’m not feeling well—take the kids.”

Individually, these comments can seem harmless. But when the pattern repeats again and again, it may be worth paying attention.

Ask yourself: Does my partner seem unusually invested in making sure I never leave the house alone?

The Two Motivations Behind This Behavior

In my experience, this behavior often has two underlying motivations.

First, they may be planning something that requires privacy—phone calls, online conversations, or other secret activity.

Second, many cheaters are deeply suspicious of their partners. Because they are capable of betrayal, they assume you may be as well. Ironically, the same person who wants the freedom to cheat may also try to limit your independence out of jealousy or fear.

When these patterns repeat, it’s worth paying attention.

Sometimes the smallest behaviors reveal the biggest truths.

With awareness and strength,
Liza Seamone
Recovering Survivor / Author

Navigating a Weekend with Bipolar Challenges

The storms we encounter when dealing with a bipolar, narcissistic person.

A Weekend With Bipolar Chaos

It was a stressful weekend.

If you read my previous post, you know Blend had called a “family meeting” the night before. At the end of it he made a statement that stuck with me: “Let’s see how things change.”

Things did change. Just not in a good way.

The next day, his bipolar behavior escalated dramatically.

The children had Eucharistic Minister duty at their school from noon until 4 p.m. I woke early that morning and finished a movie I had started the night before. In between scenes, I moved in and out of the kitchen, making breakfast for the kids and ironing their clothes before they left.

Blend had already gone out and did not return until after 10:30 that morning. When he walked in, he asked what was going on in the house.

I reminded him that the kids had a church duty at school that day.

He apologized and said he had forgotten. But the tone suggested something else—almost as if he were trying to imply this was yet another activity he had somehow been excluded from. (Which I later discovered he met a “girlfriend” and walked on the beach with her that morning. Later I found emails she was falling in love with him.) When that angle didn’t work, the mood shifted.

The attitude arrived.

Living with someone who is sex-addicted, bipolar, and paranoid can feel like living with a volatile child. Once the tone changes, you know the rest of the day may follow.

That morning, I could already sense the tension building.

When the House Became Unsettling

After the children left for their school duty, I sat down again to finish the movie.

Almost immediately, Blend came downstairs.

He began moving around the house in a restless, hyper way—opening cabinets, clattering dishes, and making unnecessary noise. It felt deliberate, as though the goal was simply to interrupt the quiet.

He often talked out loud to himself in a low mumbling voice. It was unsettling to listen to, sometimes even frightening.

In the kitchen, he began banging around pots and pans behind me. I turned the television volume up and tried to ignore it so I could finish the program.

Meanwhile, he bounced from room to room—on the computer, singing loudly, whistling, and pacing the house.

Singing might not sound strange on its own, but this wasn’t joyful singing. It was loud, erratic, and completely off-key. The whistling was even stranger—sharp bursts of noise with no rhythm or tune.

At one point, he walked into the living room and tried to start an argument. I wasn’t willing to engage and simply waved him away.

He didn’t take that well.

He called me a few names and told me that “alienating him from the kids” would come back to haunt me and that I would go to hell. That was the spiritual side of him talking.

After that, the hyperactivity escalated. The loud whistling and pacing continued.

I suspected he had been drinking. He sometimes bought cheap alcohol and kept it in his room, supposedly to “drown his sorrows,” though it always felt more like self-pity.

Something was clearly going on because he seemed completely unable to be still.

Choosing Safety Over Confrontation

At one point, he offered to wash the laundry if I separated the clothes.

I needed to get back to my bookkeeping work for tax returns, so I appreciated the offer.

I went into my room to take a shower and get dressed. But as his behavior continued to escalate, I began to feel uneasy.

Eventually, I locked my bedroom door and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon.

I had originally planned to visit a cousin that day, but the plans were canceled. Given the atmosphere in the house, isolating myself felt like the safest choice.

Sometimes, avoiding confrontation is simply the most peaceful option available.

I stayed in my room from around noon until about 4:30, coming out only briefly to grab something to eat. Even lunch became strange—I made a plate and carried it back to my room just to avoid being downstairs.

Meanwhile, the house echoed with loud television, singing, and that sharp, irregular whistling.

At one point, I realized I had turned my own television volume up just so I could think over the noise.

It was a ridiculous way to live.

When the Children Came Home

The children returned home around 4:30 that afternoon.

Almost immediately, they came into my room and climbed onto the bed with me. We spent the evening watching movies, laughing, talking, and simply enjoying one another’s company.

It felt as though they instinctively knew I had endured a difficult day.

For a while, the house felt calm again.

I took a break to make dinner, and Blend continued moving between his room and the laundry area. The children noticed the strange whistling coming from downstairs and even commented on how odd it sounded.

That was the only thing said about it.

The moment the kids arrived home, Blend had gone upstairs and locked himself in his room. You could hear the lock click.

Ironically, during his “family meeting” the night before, the children had complained about this exact behavior—his habit of isolating himself in his room.

Now he seemed to be exaggerating it.

It felt almost like a childish response: “You think I lock myself away? I’ll show you what locking myself away really looks like.”

Dinner Without Him

When dinner was ready, I knocked on his door to let him know.

He didn’t come down.

Eventually, the children and I sat at the table together. We talked and laughed for quite a while.

He came into the kitchen three separate times but never sat down with us.

The first time he told me not to make him a plate—he would do it himself.

He never did.

We stayed at the table, enjoying the quiet moment together.

Eventually, I left the food on the stove. Later, he came down and ate alone.

After a period of time, the children and I returned to my room, where we spent the rest of the evening watching television, working on our laptops, laughing, and simply being together.

A Small Comfort

That night, as I fell asleep, one thought gave me comfort.

The children had instincts.

They sensed things adults sometimes pretend not to see. And that intuition—especially in an unpredictable household—is a powerful thing.

I realized then that their ability to read the room, to feel when something wasn’t right, might one day help protect them.

And that, at least, was something good.

Reflections: Looking Back

Looking back now, a few things about that day stand out clearly:

Sudden mood shifts often set the emotional tone for the entire household.
When behavior becomes chaotic or unpredictable, creating distance can sometimes be the safest response.
Children often sense tension and instability long before adults acknowledge it.

How Sex Addicted Narcissists Manipulate

Women are often fooled by men who are sex addicts. Women often have the misconception that when a man wants sex with her all the time, he is in love with her. Meanwhile he is having sex with multiplt women.

Certain patterns repeat themselves with men who use attention, flattery, and manipulation to feed their addiction.

Introduction

People who struggle with sex addiction often rely on patterns of manipulation, validation-seeking, and emotional control in their relationships. In some cases, these behaviors overlap with narcissistic personality traits, where attention and admiration from others become a powerful form of reinforcement.

The following story is a personal experience that helped me recognize several of those patterns. Looking back, the warning signs were clearer than they seemed at the time.

One thing I learned over time is that sex addicts rarely have scruples. It is also not uncommon for someone with narcissistic traits to struggle with sex addiction. The attention they receive from multiple partners reinforces their belief that they are desirable, admired, and important. For them, every new interaction becomes another form of validation.

Recently, I noticed something familiar happening again. Blend had started reaching out to women from his past—women who had already walked away once. He sent cheerful New Year messages to several of them, testing the waters to see who might respond. Some of those women were intelligent and accomplished.

One in particular stood out to me: Florence. She seemed educated and dignified, clearly someone capable of recognizing manipulation. I doubted she would respond. Another woman, however, had already begun engaging with him again. Her name was Cher. Cher appeared kind, young, and nurturing—the exact personality type that often attracts men like Blend. At first, she seemed willing to listen and encourage him. But before long, the familiar pattern began again. He started asking her for photos. Fortunately, something about the request made her uneasy. She told him it felt strange, and she was right to trust that instinct.

Watching the interaction unfold reminded me how predictable these patterns can be. Over the years, I learned that sex addicts often operate in very similar ways. The tactics may vary slightly, but the structure of manipulation is remarkably consistent.

Here are some of the behaviors I witnessed repeatedly.

Common Manipulation Patterns

1. Excessive Flattery

Pet names and compliments come quickly.

Words like “baby,” “sweetheart,” “cutie,” or “beautiful” appear early and often. The goal is to create emotional warmth and familiarity very quickly.

Many people enjoy compliments, and there is nothing wrong with that. But when praise becomes constant and exaggerated, it can be part of a manipulation strategy.

In reality, the addict often has little genuine respect for the women he pursues. The compliments are simply tools used to move the interaction toward his goal.

2. Personal Questions That Turn Sexual

A common early question is, “What are you wearing?”

It may sound harmless at first, but it is often used to slowly shift the conversation toward sexual territory. Once the boundary moves in that direction, the requests tend to escalate.

3. Creating a Nurturing Dynamic

Sex addicts often seek women who are naturally nurturing.

They enjoy being comforted, reassured, and emotionally supported. Conversations begin to revolve around their struggles, their frustrations, and their feelings. The woman becomes the emotional caretaker.

4. Constant Messaging and Attention

Someone with a stable life and responsibilities rarely spends the entire day sending messages. But a sex addict thrives on constant digital contact.

Texting, messaging, and chatting throughout the day provide a steady stream of attention and affirmation. At times, Blend would be messaging several women simultaneously, carefully avoiding using names so he could easily copy and paste similar responses between conversations.

Eventually, one woman would respond in the way he wanted—and the others would be ignored.

5. Requests for Photos

Requests for photos often begin innocently.

At first it might be a simple picture of a smile. Then perhaps something slightly more revealing. Over time, the requests become more explicit. The goal is gradual escalation. For the addict, the excitement lies in the pursuit and the control. The more someone complies, the more the requests intensify.

If a request ever makes you uncomfortable, that feeling is worth listening to.

6. Casual Use of the Word “Love”

The word love comes easily in these conversations. But it is rarely used with sincerity. Instead, it becomes another tool for creating emotional attachment quickly. For someone who truly values the word, hearing it used so lightly can eventually feel hollow.

7. “You’re the Only One I Can Talk To”

Another common line is some version of:

• “I’ve never told anyone this before.”
• “I feel so comfortable with you.”
• “I can talk to you about things I can’t share with anyone else.”

In reality, the same lines may be repeated with multiple women. The goal is to create the illusion of a special, unique bond.

8. Distorted Stories About Their Life

Sex addicts often reshape the truth about their circumstances. Stories about their marriage, their finances, their work, or their personal struggles are adjusted to create sympathy or admiration. They tell people what they believe those people want to hear.

9. The Pattern Is Not Unique

Blend may not have had the fame or wealth of public figures like Tiger Woods, Jesse James, or Anthony Weiner, but the behavior pattern is remarkably similar. Sex addiction does not discriminate based on status or success. The common thread is deception, impulsive behavior, and a constant search for validation.

Looking Toward Freedom

As the new year approached, I realized something important. My youngest child would soon be leaving for college. For the first time in decades, I could finally see the possibility of complete separation from the chaos that had dominated so much of my life. The thought brought an overwhelming sense of relief. I knew that once that chapter closed, I would never again need to see him or hear his voice. And that realization felt like the beginning of freedom.

A Message to Other Victims

If you ever encounter someone displaying these patterns, trust your instincts. Manipulation often begins subtly, disguised as charm or attention. But the moment something begins to feel uncomfortable or unsettling, pay attention to that feeling. Many good men and women in the world do not rely on deception, addiction, or manipulation. Value yourself enough to walk away from those who do.

Sometimes the strongest response is simply to leave—and never look back

Note About Narcissism and Sex Addiction

Many experts who study relationship dynamics have observed that sex addiction can sometimes overlap with narcissistic personality traits. Individuals with strong narcissistic tendencies often seek constant validation, admiration, and attention. For some, sexual attention becomes one of the quickest ways to reinforce their sense of importance or desirability.

Not every person struggling with sex addiction is a narcissist, and not every narcissistic individual develops a sex addiction. However, the two patterns can intersect because both involve a powerful need for affirmation and external validation.

Understanding these patterns can help people recognize manipulation tactics earlier and protect themselves from becoming emotionally entangled in unhealthy dynamics.

Reflection

Occasionally, the most revealing clues in a relationship are not dramatic discoveries, but small patterns that slowly stop making sense.

Hidden money, unexplained accounts, or resources that quietly disappear often point to something deeper than poor financial communication. Often, the truth lies in the secrecy itself.

When someone is determined to live a double life, the effort required to maintain that secrecy can be as telling as the behavior it supports.

Recognizing those patterns can be uncomfortable, but awareness is often the first step toward understanding what is really happening—and deciding what you are willing to accept in your own life.

With awareness and strength,
Liza Seamone
Recovering Survivor / Author

Why People Who Cheat Rarely Confess — Even When Confronted With Evidence

Denial, blame shifting, and excuses are common responses when infidelity is exposed.

Will There Ever Be a Confession?

In most cases, the answer is no. When someone is confronted with evidence of infidelity—whether it’s messages, photographs, financial records, or eyewitness accounts—the response is rarely immediate honesty.

Instead, the reaction often follows a predictable pattern.

First comes denial.

If denial no longer works, the next step is often deflection. Suddenly, the focus shifts away from the behavior itself and toward the person who discovered it.

Questions appear such as:

“Why were you going through my things?”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re paranoid.”
“You invaded my privacy.”

In other words, the conversation moves away from the original issue and becomes about the act of discovering it. Even when the evidence becomes impossible to deny, many people still avoid taking responsibility. Instead, they may offer explanations, excuses, or partial admissions—often followed by promises that it will never happen again.

What Research Shows About Infidelity

Infidelity is often discussed as though it affects only one gender, but research shows that the behavior exists across all types of relationships.

Studies from the Institute for Family Studies and the General Social Survey suggest that:

Approximately 20% of married men report having cheated at some point in their marriage.
Approximately 13% of married women report the same.
Among younger generations, the gap between men and women is much smaller than in previous decades.

Some relationship researchers believe the actual numbers may be higher because many people simply do not admit to cheating in surveys.

Another complicating factor is the definition of infidelity itself. For some couples, it means physical relationships outside the partnership. For others, emotional relationships, explicit messaging, or secret online interactions may also cross the boundary. The definition can vary widely from one relationship to another.

The Thrill of the Pursuit

In my own experience, I eventually heard a surprisingly direct explanation. During one conversation, Blend openly described what drove his behavior. To Blend, it was about “the thrill of the chase.” Those were his exact words.

For some people, the excitement lies in the pursuit itself—the attention, the flirtation, the secrecy, and the sense of being desired. Once that excitement fades or the situation becomes emotionally complicated, they move on and repeat the process elsewhere. In that cycle, confession rarely plays a role. The goal is not accountability. The goal is to keep the game going.

Why Confessions Are Rare

For someone who thrives on attention, validation, or manipulation, admitting the truth often means losing control of the situation.

Instead of confession, they may rely on strategies such as:

Denying the behavior outright
Minimizing what happened
Blaming the person who discovered it
Claiming the relationship was misunderstood
Promising change without real accountability

These responses can leave partners feeling confused and questioning their own perceptions.

When Evidence Still Isn’t Enough

One of the most confusing parts of confronting someone about infidelity or deception is that even overwhelming evidence may not lead to honesty. In my case, there were times when I had messages, photographs, printed records, and other clear documentation. Yet the response was still the same—complete denial.

When denial stopped working, the conversation shifted quickly. Instead of discussing the behavior itself, the focus suddenly became the way I had discovered it. The accusation changed from “that didn’t happen” to “you invaded my privacy.”

This shift can leave a person feeling disoriented. The original issue disappears, replaced by arguments about snooping, trust, or personal boundaries. Meanwhile, the behavior that prompted the confrontation is never truly addressed. Relationship counselors sometimes refer to this as deflection and blame-shifting, where the person confronted redirects the conversation in order to avoid accountability.

For someone experiencing it, the pattern can feel surreal: the clearer the evidence becomes, the more aggressively the blame is redirected.

What I Eventually Learned

At one point, I kept hoping that honesty would appear—that if the evidence became clear enough, the truth would simply be acknowledged. But that rarely happened.

Over time, I realized something important. For people caught in this cycle, the goal is not resolution. The goal is continuation. And once you recognize that pattern, the expectation of a confession becomes less important than deciding what you are willing to accept moving forward.

Reflection

When someone repeatedly denies obvious behavior, the lack of confession can be deeply frustrating. But understanding the patterns behind denial can help people recognize when a conversation is no longer about truth—it is about control.

And sometimes clarity comes not from the confession you hoped for, but from recognizing the pattern for what it is.

Recognizing the Patterns: Guilt, Self-Focus, and Overcompensation in Unfaithful Relationships

Sometimes the signs of deception are not obvious lies but patterns of behavior that slowly reveal themselves over time.

Recognizing Patterns in Difficult Relationships

Over the years, I began noticing certain behavioral patterns that sometimes appear when someone is living a double life in a relationship. These patterns aren’t limited to men or women. People of any gender can fall into them, particularly when narcissistic traits or addictive behaviors are involved.

One of the most common traits I observed was a strong sense of self-focus. People caught in cycles of attention-seeking often prioritize their own interests above the needs of the relationship. Their time and energy become centered around activities that reinforce their identity or provide validation—whether that means hobbies, fitness routines, technology, social activities, or other personal pursuits.

On the surface, those interests may seem harmless. But when they begin consistently excluding a partner or dominating a person’s attention, they can sometimes signal a deeper imbalance. In many cases, the pattern is less about the specific activity and more about the constant search for stimulation and validation. ie: “The thrill of the chase.”

The Other Pattern: Overcompensation

Interestingly, I also noticed a second pattern that appeared almost opposite to the first. Some people respond to their own guilt by overcompensating. Instead of withdrawing, they suddenly become unusually attentive. They may bring gifts, call frequently throughout the day, plan spontaneous trips, or make grand gestures meant to reassure their partner that everything is fine.

At first glance, this behavior can look like devotion. But sometimes it serves a different purpose. For someone managing a secret life, these gestures can help maintain the appearance of a stable relationship. They can also ease the person’s own sense of guilt.

A Lesson From My Past

Looking back, I recognized this pattern in a relationship earlier in my life.

My first husband—(we were a military family, and he was often deployed) whom I’ll simply refer to as “Cheater Number One”—had a habit of calling me after nights out, sometimes at odd hours (even from what the world thought to be a war zone, where GIs spent their days and nights on their bellies crawling in the dirt). At first, I thought it was thoughtful. Over time, I began to realize those calls often followed moments when he had something to hide.

The calls weren’t really about connection. They were about maintaining the appearance of normalcy.

Many people who cheat (especially the narcissists of the world) seem to want one stable anchor in their lives—a relationship that reassures them they are still a good partner or a good person, even while their behavior contradicts that image.

Why It Can Be Difficult to Recognize

The challenge is that these behaviors do not always look suspicious at first. Someone spending time on hobbies may simply seem passionate. Someone giving gifts or planning trips may appear loving and attentive. When we care about someone, it’s natural to interpret their actions in the best possible light. That’s why many people are caught off guard when the truth eventually surfaces. (ie: Sandra Bullock)

What Experience Eventually Teaches

Over time, patterns become easier to recognize.

Consistency, honesty, and mutual respect are usually the foundation of a healthy relationship. When secrecy, manipulation, or emotional imbalance begin appearing repeatedly, those patterns deserve attention. Every situation is different, and not every relationship follows the same path. But when deception becomes part of the dynamic, it’s important to trust your instincts and evaluate what you are willing to accept.

Sometimes the most important step forward is simply recognizing that you deserve honesty and respect in return.

A Hard Realization

Over time, I also had to confront a difficult truth about my own life. More than one of my marriages had ended the same way—with repeated infidelity. At one point, I spoke with a therapist about it, wondering what I had done wrong. Her response surprised me. She told me the pattern wasn’t about my worth or my behavior as a partner. It was about my ability to recognize unhealthy personalities before committing to them.

That conversation forced me to start looking more carefully at the patterns I had overlooked in the past.

Reflection

Patterns of deception can appear in different forms—withdrawal, secrecy, or even excessive affection meant to compensate for hidden behavior. Recognizing these patterns can help people understand what is happening in their relationships and decide what kind of future they want to build.

The Lengths Some People Go to Hide a Double Life

When deception becomes routine, maintaining the secret can become an entire lifestyle.

When Secrecy Becomes a System

One of the most disturbing realizations I had over the years was how much effort some people are willing to invest in maintaining a cheating/secret life. For someone living a double life, deception doesn’t happen occasionally—it becomes an organized system. Multiple email accounts appear under different names (Blend qualified). Passwords often contain personal references or phrases that make sense only to the person creating them (Blend qualified). Phones and computers become tools for managing separate identities, conversations, and relationships (Blend qualified).

In many cases, the person involved believes they are covering their tracks by constantly switching platforms, devices, or accounts. But secrecy on that scale eventually leaves a trail.

Technology and the Illusion of Privacy

One common misconception is that using phones or personal devices for online activity makes behavior invisible. In reality, digital communication almost always leaves some form of record—whether through messages, browsing activity, financial transactions, or account registrations. The person creating the deception may believe they are being clever, but over time, those fragments of information often reveal a much larger pattern.

Manipulation Extending Beyond One Person

In my experience, the deception sometimes extended beyond the immediate relationship. Blend went as far as teaching his older brother (we will call this brother Tim) how to use online platforms like Plenty of Fish and Facebook. In some cases, he even set up accounts for Tim.

At first glance, that might seem harmless. But eventually I learned that those accounts were sometimes used in ways that made it difficult for others to know who they were really speaking with.

One woman later told me she believed she had initially connected with him through an account and photo that didn’t actually belong to him. When questioned, he created an elaborate explanation—claiming he needed to use someone else’s account because his “ex-wife” was stalking him and he needed to protect his identity. At the time, we were still married. To this day, I am not certain Tim knew or knows Blend used his account to pursue women on the sly.

And he was simultaneously asking me for another chance and telling me how much he loved me. The story was absurd, but it worked well enough to keep the situation moving forward.

How Double Lives Expand

Over time, I realized that deception rarely stays confined to one situation. The same patterns began appearing again and again with different people. Each new connection seemed to follow the same script—sympathy, secrecy, and carefully constructed explanations.

In many cases, the people involved had no idea they were stepping into a situation that had already played out many times before. That is one of the most damaging aspects of this type of behavior: the ripple effect it creates for everyone involved.

When Work and Responsibility Become Secondary

Another common pattern is the willingness to sacrifice responsibilities in order to maintain the secret life. Time that should be spent with family or at important events can quietly disappear. Late arrivals, missed commitments, and unexplained absences become common. Sometimes work hours are used to support the behavior as well—using office phones, computers, or travel time to pursue conversations and meetings that have nothing to do with the job itself.

Stories occasionally surface about executives or employees losing their positions after companies discover that business resources were being used for explicit or inappropriate activities. The consequences can be serious. Yet for someone caught in the cycle of attention-seeking or addictive behavior, the immediate thrill often outweighs long-term consequences.

More than one of Blend’s employers told me of his suspected indiscretions while on the job.

The Search for Validation

At its core, much of this behavior seems to revolve around validation. The excitement of new conversations, the attention from new people, and the secrecy surrounding those interactions can create a powerful emotional reward. Over time, the pursuit of that reward becomes the priority. Family time, honesty, and stability often fall further and further down the list.

A Difficult Reality

One of the hardest truths I had to accept was that lasting change only happens when the person involved genuinely wants it. Addictive or compulsive patterns do not disappear simply because someone else hopes they will. Real change requires commitment, accountability, and professional help. Without those things, the cycle usually continues.

Knowing When to Walk Away

Eventually, I had to accept something important. It is not your responsibility to repair someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own behavior. Just as businesses sometimes have to part ways with employees whose actions damage the organization, individuals sometimes need to step away from relationships that repeatedly cause harm. Protecting your own peace and well-being is not abandonment. Sometimes it is the only healthy choice left.

Reflection

Deception on this scale rarely happens accidentally. It requires planning, secrecy, and constant effort. Recognizing that pattern can be painful, but it can also provide clarity about what kind of future you want for yourself and your family.

Once a Cheater, Always A Cheater

Wedding rings broken, symbolizing broken vows and a broken marriage.

The question many people ask after betrayal: do patterns of infidelity ever truly change?

A Question I Was Recently Asked

Not long ago, a young woman asked me a question that many people eventually ask after experiencing betrayal. “Is it really true,” she said, “that once someone cheats, they will always cheat?” It’s a simple question, but the answer isn’t always simple. What I can say is that patterns matter. And sometimes those patterns reveal themselves very early.

The Beginning

I met Blend one November evening. At the time, he seemed charming, attentive, and full of energy. Like many whirlwind romances, things moved quickly and felt exciting. But even in the early days, there were signs that his past relationships had been complicated.

One relationship in particular—with someone I’ll call Pami—was described as emotionally intense and turbulent. Their history included arguments, breakups, and infidelity on both sides. At the time, I believed that was all in the past.

Looking back now, I realize those patterns were already there.

The Night That Changed Everything

Not long after the new year began, Blend asked if he could borrow my car. He explained that his truck was supposedly in the repair shop and that he needed to attend a business meeting across town. The explanation sounded reasonable, and I agreed.

Later that evening, I heard that comedian Bill Cosby was performing in the city. Something about that information stuck with me. I recalled Blend talking about how much he liked the comedian, and his ex had mentioned getting him tickets. for Christmas. (They are, of course, broken up at this time.)

When I questioned Blend about it later, he dismissed the idea, saying he had no interest in going and that he had no connection with Pami anymore.

But the story quickly began to unravel. The truth was much simpler. Blend and Pami had gone to the concert together. And they had gone in my car.

The Morning After

The next morning, I managed to get Pami’s phone number. When I spoke with her, she admitted that Blend had been there and had spent the night. He was there at the time and refused to talk to me.

At that point, I had one concern: my car. I gave him a clear deadline to return it, or I would report it as stolen.

Shortly afterward, I learned something else. His truck had never been in the repair shop at all. It had been sitting safely in his mother’s garage. He simply didn’t want to put the mileage on his own vehicle for the trip into the city.

In many ways, that detail said a lot. And like most women, I did not let it sink in. Cheating is, at its core, a selfish act—and the selfishness often shows up in other wa ys as well.My car was returned by the time I requested it.

Of course, I had no real intention of calling the police. I had willingly loaned it to him, believing the story he told me. But the damage was already done. I was hurt, embarrassed, angry—and I ended the relationship.

The Hard Part: Letting Someone Back In

After the breakup, Blend began asking for another chance. The apologies came. The promises came. The explanations came. All the Gaslighting scenarios came pouring in.

Not having the knowledge I do now, over time, his persistence began to wear down my resolve. Like many people who have experienced betrayal, I found myself wanting to believe that things could change.

Looking back, that moment was one of the most important crossroads in the entire relationship. Because while forgiveness can be healthy, ignoring clear patterns can lead to repeating the same pain.

So… Do Cheaters Always Cheat?

Not every person who cheats will repeat the behavior forever. But real change requires something very specific: accountability, honesty, and a genuine commitment to doing the difficult work of changing behavior. Without those things, patterns usually continue. In my case, the pattern didn’t disappear. It simply continued to unfold in ways I hadn’t yet imagined.

When Narcissistic Traits Are Involved

In some cases, repeated deception and manipulation are connected to deeper personality patterns. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for example, is recognized as a mental health condition that affects how a person views themselves and relates to others. People with strong narcissistic traits often struggle with empathy, accountability, and the ability to recognize the harm their behavior causes.

Like many other mental health conditions, meaningful change is possible—but only when the person involved acknowledges the problem and actively seeks help. Treatment usually requires long-term therapy and a genuine commitment to self-reflection and behavioral change.

Without that willingness, the same patterns often continue, leaving the people around them caught in cycles of disappointment and hurt.

What I Tell People Now

When someone asks me whether a cheater will always cheat, I usually answer this way: Pay attention to patterns. People can grow and change—but only if they truly want to. When someone avoids responsibility, blames others, or continues hiding behavior, the past often becomes the best predictor of the future. Trust is built through actions over time, not through promises made after the damage is already done.

Reflection

Betrayal leaves deep scars, but it can also bring clarity. Sometimes the most valuable lesson is learning to recognize patterns early and trusting yourself enough to act on what you see.

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